Sometimes the truth becomes a good excuse, and instead of letting my life fill with good things, or rather important things, I need to change the facts, and stick to the best, most important things.
My life is busy, but I need to stop using that as an excuse for neglecting commitments and the Lord's gentle prompting.
I am supposed to be blogging more, and in the past month or so, there have been several topics I could have written about as I've been learning and thinking, even in the midst of all I'm doing. But I've been disobedient. I'm supposed to be writing more, too, toward the story I've been working with, on and off, for the past few years. And I've opened up that old binder more frequently the past few weeks, but as you can tell, my efforts toward blogging have been minimal at best.
Part of the problem, I suspect, is pride. Part of me doesn't want to write about something important that's on my mind until I've fully thought it through and decided my opinion at least vaguely, point of view, or the resulting course of action. But perhaps my unfinished musings will help you think, too. After all, it is better to mention an idea to provoke thought, even if I present more questions than answers, than never to write at all for the confusion in my little brain. And I always forget how it helps me to "think on paper." Somehow writing helps me process, and if I took the trouble of making time to blog, perhaps even introducing an idea or line of thought would help me round it out, consider or see it more fully. Instead I've been ignoring the quiet tug.
The other issue involves my need to prioritize and difficulty in doing so. This applies to my life in general right now. There are so many ways to fill my time already limited by work--and to risk sounding arrogant, I'm pretty sure I fill it with good things. Most of them I still need to keep in my life, but perhaps the quantities need to change. I've begun by cutting out an extra part-time job that was becoming stressful atop my steadier, more-hours-per-week job. That was a hard decision, with money a little tight anyway, but at this point I guess I'm supposed to learn to trust God and realize that rest is important, too. And by "rest" I mean a productive, active rest (though the extra job was interfering with sleep, too) which includes alone time, writing, reading, and wholesome time with family and friends. I guess the sum is I must pray more diligently for discernment in time.
I am feeling with particular force lately the peculiar inbetween or transition state I am in right now in terms of my life. I have a vague idea of what I want to do with my life, but not enough specifics to declare a major and start pursuing it directly quite yet. This, I might add, is frustrating, but I'm trying to be patient. There are issues that come to my attention and bother me, but I don't have the money, time, knowledge or resources to actually do anything about them, or so it seems. I'm trying to learn how to be critical without being cynical, and realistic without being pessimistic, but that's pretty much in God's hands as I have no idea how to find that balance.
I guess right now is my time to, as always, keep seeking God wholeheartedly, learn and think and gain knowledge and understanding, and live my life as best I can for God and in Him, inconsequential though my everday actions seem oftentimes.
Well, there are my musings, rambling and self-consumed as they seem. Here is my confession of disobedience to the call, inexplicable though it generally seems, to write, and my prayer for strength to listen next time and the time after that.
Praise Him for His infinite love and abounding grace, that while we must bear the consequences of our sin, He still picks us up when we fall!
To Him be all glory and honor and praise forever and ever!
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