spiritual short-term memory

Among other books, I am currently reading through the Gospel of Mark. And one passage in particular caught my attention the other day.

To give some context, Jesus recently fed and satisfied 5,000 hungry men with five loaves of bread and two fish, before the disciples' very eyes. Not only were they satisfied, but twelve basketfuls of leftovers were picked up afterward.  Among other healings and discussions with and about the hypocritical Pharisees, he gave hearing to a deaf man.  And the people were "astonished beyond measure, saying, 'He has done all things well.  He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.'" (7:37)
Next thing Mark tells us, a great crowd has gathered around Jesus, and these people have followed him for three days and have nothing to eat.  Being who he is, Jesus is filled with compassion, and from seven loaves of bread and "a few small fish", he feeds about 4,000 people.  And not one goes hungry—in fact, this time there are seven basketfuls of leftovers.

I know, I know, you've probably heard this before. But bear with me because these little beforehand-details are important.

So Jesus has fed another crowd of people.  And the Pharisees approach him and ask him for a sign from heaven.  "Sorry, mister; these miracles aren't good enough for us. Healing the sick, casting out demons, multiplying food?? Give us a real sign!"  Jesus is saddened by their lack of faith and hard hearts and gets back in the boat, and he and his disciples travel to the other side of the Sea of Galilee.

Now they had forgotten to bring bread, and they had only one loaf with them in the boat.  And [Jesus] cautioned them, saying, "Watch out; beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and the leaven of Herod."  And they began discussing with one another the fact that they had no bread.  And Jesus, aware of this, said to them, "Why are you discussing the fact that you have no bread?  Do you not yet perceive or understand?  Are your hearts hardened?  Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear?  And do you not remember?  When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up? "  They said to him, "Twelve."  "And the seven for the four thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?"  And they said to him, "Seven."  And he said to them, "Do you not yet understand?"  [Mark 8.14-21]

There are a couple of things going on in this passage, but what struck me is what seems to be the disciples' seemingly incredible short-term memory!  Within a fairly short period of time, with the disciples to help with distribution, Jesus has fed about 9,000 people.  He started with next to nothing, blessed, fed the people, and there was extra left over.  A couple more incidents, and next thing we know the disciples are complaining about being hungry again!  They come across on the thick-headed side, don't they?

I thought so.

Then I realized I do the same thing.  How many times has God called me to a certain place and proved his greatness, his power, his sovereignty and love by providing for all my needs?
Of course, sometimes I get needs confused with wants, but he has always been faithful! And he has always provided.

Yet I sit here and struggle with trusting him to provide for the future. Right now I'm trusting that if he wants me to continue at school, he'll provide a way, and so far I have been able to work just enough to stay on top of the bill, one semester at a time.  But when he put before me the opportunity to go on a short-term mission trip overseas this winter, one of my greatest concerns and hesitations is the knowledge that I have no way to get there on my own.

But he's always provided.  Every time.  Just counting mission trips, that makes six separate occasions.  And that doesn't even include the rest of my life, in which I've definitely seen God provide in large and small ways.

He has always provided.  And I still doubt.

Time to take some lessons from Hudson Taylor and start trusting God in more uncomfortable ways. For as Christians I think we often ask God to reveal his greatness to us, but it's hard for us to let go of our own self-relience--just like the Pharisees.  Jesus gave sight to the blind and hearing to the deaf, but like the disciples, I have no excuse.  Having eyes, I still have difficulty seeing; having ears, I manage not to hear.

As the father of the demon-possessed boy cried, "I believe; help my unbelief!" [Mark 9:24]

God grant me grace and strength to have greater faith and to live by this faith day by day and month by month!

These Shining Fragments

The Body of Christ is like stained glass.

We are broken, fractured pieces, but He brings us together and makes something beautiful out of us.

He makes a picture, fitting each fragment just right into something far greater than ourselves; something we never would have been capable of comprehending if left by ourselves.

And through us He shines His glorious light, illuminating each radiant hue.

Scribblings on a Napkin During Work

October waxes with the moon,
We shed our summer skin.
From faces and arms slides the glow,
Slips away to adorn
The fluttering fingers of the trees
In whimsical raiment of gold.
We don't see the lifeblood start to slow
As days of sunshine grow silently slim—
Only festive confetti spiraling down
To frame our footsteps
Till winter falls;
Till she scatters her chill
Over our fingers and face
And spreads white across
Our streets and skin.

Some saplings I know
And a few strong, sturdy oaks
Quiver with fear as October wanes.
Gracefully they gloried in their gold,
In burnished, fiery bronze and red;
Now softly they moan,
They sigh and they tremble
As Wind strips their sole riches away
To litter the path which lies beneath
And be trampled to dust
Or left sodden to rot
And all former beauty forgotten.
They shake in the wind,
Howl their pain,
Fearing an imminent death.

Squirrels scamper through the wreck,
Frolic 'cross swaying boughs
Seeking the seeds unclaimed by the earth
Asking promises when Spring's rains sing.
Canst thou not see,
Thou elm, maple and oak,
Thou are not like the squirrel?
Canst thou not trust
Thou art unforgot
And thy Maker knows what He does?
That Springtime will swell
With riches anew?
Hold thou to hope for fullness to come
That now in thy waiting
Thou can scarce comprehend.

illusions and ideals

Our culture tends to worship the idea of youth.
This can be seen in numerous places, numerous ways.  We could, for instance, watch television and see the ideals flashing back and forth across the screen.  They are revealed through commercials that feature youthful actors and seem to whisper (sometimes aloud), "You can be like us. You can have what we have because we all know it's better."  The word "rejeuvenating" is featured periodically.  Middle-aging men and women dye their hair and whiten their teeth.  Then there are TV shows and movies, but I think you see what I mean.  I will say, though, that it seems to me there is a considerable chunk of shows and movies--take chick flicks, for instance--portraying disillusioned business-folk trying to escape in some way from gray routine.  They chase the vanished and nearly-elusive form of happiness their current lives aren't providing, whether through a new relationship (often involving the dissolution of an old one), the decision to pursue their dream career, or who knows what.  Then there are those which allow us to dream about being more than we are and doing something that seems more exciting than everyday life (action, spies, superheroes, fantasy, sci fi, etc).  It really does seem to be about the treasure-hunt for happiness, and in a country where convenience must be the road to get us just about everywhere, I see that echoed in the culture around me (or perhaps the media echoes the culture...it's hard to say).  Just look at the climbing divorce rate, the plethora of fast-food, restaurants, and even church denominations.  If they don't have what I want here, I'll just go next door.

What, then, makes the idea of youth so attractive?
Among other things, I think a major one is the concept of freedom.  This means a few important things.
First, there is freedom of opportunity.  As children we are told (and this is not always true or even reasonable) we can be whatever, whomever, we want to be; do whatever whatever want to do. Chase your dreams: if you try hard enough anything is possible!  There is hope, a vision of boundless, optimistic opportunity right around the corner.  Any obstacles can be overcome if you just try hard enough.
And there is the freedom of time.  Even if things aren't quite right now, there's time for more chances. There's even time to waste.  Youth is energy, optimism, life, health and love and happiness...right?  And somehow I think there's a vision, too, of this freedom without the burden of much responsibility: it's my life, my choice how to live it.  Oh, it might affect other people, but in the end it's just me and my own life, and that's what matters.

And it's problematic.
It's problematic because reality doesn't actually work that way--not exactly.
Perhaps the young are sometimes healthier, and perhaps we have delusions of invincibility, but at the end of the day, it's not real.  I think of my supervisor at work this summer who died suddenly at the age of twenty-two.  A young boy whose life dwindled away before us from leukemia--a boy of twelve, thirteen, who shuffled around slowly like an old man, face swelled from medication. Despite our prayers, despite his youth, he died at thirteen or fourteen years old.  The girl next door to me this year who was recently diagnosed with cancer.  She just turned eighteen and has just begun her first year of college.
And this is middle-class United States.  Oh, we wouldn't consider ourselves wealthy, but we have access to hospitals and health care and it's still not enough.
Honestly, I can't imagining living in this world without the hope of Christ.

Also, I think this golden-tinted concept of youth confuses my generation--that is, we who are young.
As a child, our games and make-believe worlds imitate life.  Not strictly, of course, but often we are put in what-if situations and we act them out.  We played dress-up, store, president, artists, doctor, explorers, town (with an economy), vet, school, made inventions, wrote newspapers, etc.  In some sense, consciously or not, we were playing at growing up and exploring the adult world.  And maybe my sisters and I were exceptions.  But I think all children like feeling grown-up sometimes.
Then, somewhere in highschool or so, we see these portrayals of adult life as undesirable, unfulfilling, and pick up the idea that while we are preparing to grow up, adults are trying to be young.
Yet I think most of my peers harbor few illusions about the harder realities of life to some extent or another.  And we are unsatisfied, unfulfilled.  And suddenly, instead of adulthood looking like the fulfillment of a life (as I'd say it's portrayed biblically), it's looking uneasily like a sort of slope.  Give it a few years and I guess it's all downhill from here.
Quite frankly, that's not only confusing but depressing.  So we say, Now what?  We grasp that we're supposed to enjoy "life" while we have it, as we are young.  The "real world" will come soon enough.  So my generation is into parties and drinking, serial dating and sex, some sort of thrill that we're supposed to find.
Do they find it?  Maybe.  I don't really know.  And maybe I'm wrong about all this.  But it seems to make sense.  I think there's a lot of confusion in my generation.  The worship of youth reveals the unhappiness and dissatisfaction of the older generation, and the unhappy, dissatisfied younger generation absorbs this and doesn't know what to do.  Add in the current economy, unemployment, etc, and more joy is lost.  Not to mention the dimished sense of purpose in the world.

I'm trying to remember exactly where I was going with this, but as it's rather late I'll revisit the topic if I think of something else.
I guess I'm just extraordinarily thankful I was raised in the hope of Christ and taught to find fulfillment and purpose as well as joy.
But I haven't a clue where one would start turning it all around....